I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
