just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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