im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i dont even know how to be here
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
