Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
