I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
