Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
