haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
