I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
