You smell like a Billy Joel song
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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