Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
