look no pants
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
