awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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