I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
