Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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