; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My friends, they love my intelligence
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
