the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
