I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
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He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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