summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
