Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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