just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
