If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
