Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
