If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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