How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
