hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
