if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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