What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
