You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
