hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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