I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
