How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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