The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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