We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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