Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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