my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
