Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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