the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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