bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
