just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
