she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
40s are totally the cure
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
