Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
