My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
