I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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