mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
