We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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