tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
