I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
