I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
