guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
