He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
