Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
