Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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