my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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