God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
