Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
