i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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