sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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