My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he thought i was a dude.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ladies don't puke and tell
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
